I just got off the phone with Auntie Keri, it's 11:17am, and I have two hours of taking calls to get through before my lunch break. I still feel guilty that I left you crying as Daddy and I left this morning and I'd kill for a sloppy kiss and death-grip-around-the-neck kind of hug from you right about now.
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Now, it's 6:33pm and I'm trying desperately to get dinner on the table before 7:00. You are hanging on to my leg, wanting to help, or be held, or play with the knife, or climb into the oven and all I want is some goddamn space so we can get through the must do's and get you to bed at a decent hour. And let me tell you, bedtime is it's own monumental struggle. You fight it tooth and nail as if to say "Uh, guys, didn't we just get home, I thought we were gonna hang out?! No Fair!"
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My own bedtime is approaching and like always I get weepy that soon I'll be waking up and scramble to get to work on time, just to sit there and wish I was somewhere else all over again. I peek in on you for the 3rd time tonight and wish I could crawl into the crib with you...but instead I just straighten your pony blanket and touch your cheek.
This is how it goes most weekdays. When you're pushing, I'm pulling. When I kneel down for a hug, you run right past.
I want to apologize, Bubs...for this. For today especially. You were sick and Mama was cranky. And in typical fashion, I didn't put the puzzle pieces together until it was too late.
I love you.
I could feel the emotion is this, Erin. I could feel your sadness and longing to be at home with her. I'm sorry that has been taken away from you and I love you. And I love her.
ReplyDeleteOh, Erin, this was such a touching piece. Brought tears to my eyes. You must LIVE for the weekends these days, huh?
ReplyDeleteI noticed on FB that you are home with Harlie today. Enjoy your sicky snuggles. Let them fill you up.
I love this line:
ReplyDelete"And in typical fashion, I didn't put the puzzle pieces together until it was too late."
Boy can I relate to that.
I really love your writing, Erin.
It's so honestly heart breaking. I am SO nervous that this is the way I will be feeling too one day soon, but think it's worth all the craziness. I didn't know if other working women felt this way, but it's the same for me even now. I am exhausted when I get home and not even myself. I have no tolerance for what I've been longing for all day. Everything feels like such a chore, and so hard to find joy M-Th nights, and friday is a work week hangover where I can only sit on the couch and stare. I've thought about how I will deal with this many times with a little one underfoot who does not understand "work" and how it drains you. Ugh. I hope you are having a great two days this week and soaking it all up.
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